I made this decision a while ago. It’s probably been stewing in my head since November. I’ve resigned from my job, given notice to my landlord, booked a moving company…
Yet, I’ve made no official announcement.
So, here it is: I’m leaving New York. Tqwana Brown is going home…
Miami, I’m coming back. I’ve told no one except immediate family. I’m still not sure why. I’ve only told 4 people here in NYC, besides the obvious. Also, not sure why.
I just know it was time. It was probably time 2 years ago. I’ve done what I wanted to do. Proved to myself that I could live here, got the degree, the job. Made some of the most amazing friends and memories (I wish I could take my friends with me). But, there are certain sacrifices that I’m not willing to make anymore just to live in NYC, things that just aren’t worth it to me simply b/c this is NYC.
I’m hitting the reset button. i have a plan in mind and I need to be home to do it. I need my support system, so I’m saying goodbye.
It’s been a truly amazing four years. I found myself again here in NYC. I didn’t have to try to be a version of Tqwana I knew no longer existed, and that was liberating.
And maybe one day, I’ll be back. If not, I’m okay with that too.
I’ve always envied people who know their purpose in life. Writers who say they have to write, as if it’s a compulsion. Men and women who have the calling from God and know they are going into the church in some capacity. Actors, dancers, and musicians who were just born to perform and have been doing it since before they could walk.
I’ve never had that certainty. As such, I seem to drift along, trying new things, liking what I do one moment and in the next being unable to stomach it for one more second.
Ironically, I am always certain when I’m ready to move on. Whether it’s because I’m bored or because i’m no longer learning or being challenged or I’m just over it, once I reach that point, the desire to run away as fast as I can becomes overwhelming.
I’m at that point now. But, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of not feeling grounded, tired of feeling lost and unsettled.
I think I know what I want to do. I had a conversation with my aunt who told me to ask God about my heart’s desire, and this path popped into my head. It’s an idea I had years ago and set aside. For a brief moment I was excited, but I still fear that one day I’ll get bored. And this is not the type of thing you walk just away from.
Now I’m stuck, unable to move forward and it’s the worst feeling.