I’ve always envied people who know their purpose in life. Writers who say they have to write, as if it’s a compulsion. Men and women who have the calling from God and know they are going into the church in some capacity. Actors, dancers, and musicians who were just born to perform and have been doing it since before they could walk.
I’ve never had that certainty. As such, I seem to drift along, trying new things, liking what I do one moment and in the next being unable to stomach it for one more second.
Ironically, I am always certain when I’m ready to move on. Whether it’s because I’m bored or because i’m no longer learning or being challenged or I’m just over it, once I reach that point, the desire to run away as fast as I can becomes overwhelming.
I’m at that point now. But, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of not feeling grounded, tired of feeling lost and unsettled.
I think I know what I want to do. I had a conversation with my aunt who told me to ask God about my heart’s desire, and this path popped into my head. It’s an idea I had years ago and set aside. For a brief moment I was excited, but I still fear that one day I’ll get bored. And this is not the type of thing you walk just away from.
Now I’m stuck, unable to move forward and it’s the worst feeling.