This will not come as a surprise to anyone that actually knows me, but I hate not being awesome. Now you can look at that in 2 ways:
1. I’m guilty of the sin of pride.
2. I’m way too hard on myself.
Likely, it’s a combination of both. In regards to the week I just had, I’m going with #2 for now. I just started a new job and I’m still in the adjustment/transition period. But, it’s pissing me off that I’m not at rock star level yet. Yes, I know it’s only been a week and I’ll settle in soon. But, I actually feel slightly intimidated by my job.
I loathe this feeling.
And I fear it; it’s not something I’m used to. Everyone gets nervous the first couple weeks. This instance feels different. I think I might fail. For real. Not the new kid typical mistakes failures. Hell, I’m positive I’ve already screwed something up. No, for the first time, I think I may not be good at something that I want to be great at. With the exception of finite math, I’m usually good at everything.
Okay, that’s definitely pride talking. Forgive me.
What I mean to say is that I’m doubting my abilities (not that I don’t doubt other things) for the first time since I reached adulthood and I don’t know how to process these feelings. This doubt is manifesting itself in ways that feel too much like anxiety, and my instinct is to run from it. Back to the comfort of easy. And this is unacceptable.
Once again, I think I just may need to get over myself…